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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.