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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.