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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.