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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.