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It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Hello...
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.