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Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty