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Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list