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*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
and alcohol are now friends.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
My anger management class pisses me off
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"