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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.