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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Yes, your opinion matters ... But not to me.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.