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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar