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Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....