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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.