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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
Iām looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.