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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Iām starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?