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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.