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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.