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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
I have Beer.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.