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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.