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Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.