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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!