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You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
That moment when being uncool, is cool