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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!