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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."