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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.