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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!