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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."