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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Ride me like you stole me.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.