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When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.