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I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I`m never free but I`m available.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.