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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.