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She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.