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Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.