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I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.