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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.