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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!