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is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.