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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.