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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
My inner child is a drunken whore
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.