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People will do odd things to get even.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.