Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.