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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.