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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."