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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.