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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.