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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.