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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Please don`t hastag out loud...
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.