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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Mondays are middle finger approved
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.