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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.