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It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....