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Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.