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Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
It’s a status….not your diary…