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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...