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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!