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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words