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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards