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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.