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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!