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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
Home is where the pants aren’t.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe