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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone