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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.