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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.