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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.