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I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"