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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!