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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
A wise man, will often say nothing
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver