Daily Silly Status

Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.

Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.

I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity

My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.

My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.

Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.

If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?

Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)