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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.