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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.