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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...