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My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.